Fear

I can't!!!

My toes dangled off the edge just inches away from the wonderous Jungle
Gym of ropes.  I was fascinated with this cobwebbed cage made of rope.  
I wanted to join in with the other kids as they crawled amongst the 
mess of ropes. The air filled with cautious giggles and exasperated 
laughter.  They seemed to be safe, so why did I feel like I wouldn't be? 

I can't do it…

I felt tears sting my eyes as a lump caught in my throat. I was afraid. 
I wanted to join in the fun, but would I fall?  Would the ropes give way 
under my 3 year old body? 

You can do it.  I'm right here.

I looked down to see my dad several feet below me.  Cautiously I placed 
a small quivering foot on the ropes and quickly pulled away when I felt
it sway under me. 

I promise I'll catch you if you fall.

Although it would have been impossible for me to fall through the small 
gaps my dad somehow knew that was where my fear was. Fear. It was crippling
me. I was missing out on something amazing and I knew it, but in that 
moment fear was my master. 

We will have to leave soon. Hurry up. I promise it'll be fun.

No, I don't want to leave!

A new fear came over me.  The fear of leaving.  The fear of missing out
on a huge desire.  This fear was more powerful, more dictating, more
convincing.  It didn't matter if I fell anymore. I wanted this.  I 
hungered for this experience. 

I threw my little body into the rope web.  I stayed still and lingered in
that fear for a moment, but only for a moment.  I looked up and all 
around me.  My face changed into an expression of giddy freedom and 
amazement. I looked down to my Daddy below.  His arms were ready for me, 
but a knowing smile let me know that he wouldn't need to catch me.  

I rolled around and screamed my shameless excitement.  I was tasting 
freedom.  After a battle of fears I was free.  

I can't do it.

I found myself with my toes hanging off the edge just a few feet from a 
web of life.  I was afraid.  I wanted to experience the life I was meant
to have, but I was held back by fear.  How could I trust this being 
calling Himself my Abba?  Could He really be my Savior?  Could He hold me?
Or was my fear right? was I too much too handle, too broken, too ruined, 
too messed up? 

Fear was my master and failure was my fruit.  

I had to protect myself, defend myself.  I was the only one who could 
protect me.  That frail web before I had built myself.  I built it from
nothing.  It was my last hope, but I knew it couldn't hold me.  I couldn't
hold me.  My hard work and my strength couldn't hold me.  

You can do it.

Abba? Can I trust you? Can you hold me? Will you catch me? 

I was about to miss out on amazing opportunity. I knew that if I didn't 
move soon I wouldn't make it.  I wouldn't survive. I fought it.  I fought
Him.  With every piece of strength I had I fought, but then I broke.

I broke. 

I broke. I crumbled.  I shattered.  In that moment my tear stained face
became intimate with ground beneath me and I prayed.  No, I didn't pray.
I spoke with my Abba. 

I can't do it.  Not without you, Abba.  I'm missing out on the greatness
that You have for me.  I don't want to indulge in my self-pity and pain. 
I want to indulge in Your love.  I want You more.  Show me.  Show me that
You're enough.  

I broke, but He began.

Fear was no longer my master.  I was fueled by love, not by a fear that 
had crippled me my entire life.  I had nothing left to fear. I shouldn't
have made it, but I placed my fear in the right place.  I placed my fear 
in my Savior.  I jumped. I lingered in stillness for just a moment, then 
opened my eyes to realize that I'm ok.  

I'm ok.

I made it. I survived what I should've failed, but this time it wasn't the 
ropes of some web that had caught me.  I was wrapped tightly in the arms
of Abba, Daddy, Savior.  I survived. For the first time I felt real love.
It overwhelmed me. This love clung to me tighter than I had clung to the 
edge of fear. 

He sat me on my quivering feet and took my hand.  I knew that it wasn't 
the end.  This was the beginning of something beautiful. 

Where fear ended, love began.  Where fear ended, I began.